Works in Progress

I think it would be amazing if, as part of our estate planning, we also included a bit of information about the written part of dying. The package we leave behind could include a suggested obituary or funeral announcements, message(s) to loved ones, and a draft eulogy or tribute.

As a professional writer, I've seen how hard it is to work from a blank screen. Much of my work is creating a first draft - something to which a client can respond. Hopefully I've nailed it, and the response back is just a bit of tweaking. Sometimes, though, seeing the words mapped out helps a client realize that's actually NOT the way they want to go... but editing is much, much easier than starting from scratch.

So why don't we do the same for the words required when we die?

A couple of years ago, I put the idea out to my Facebook network. I said I would like to help anyone who wanted to draft something to leave behind - a package of written materials to give to an estate lawyer, executor, or trusted helper. I made a list of questions that would help me write a draft, and I sent the list to the 16 people who were interested.

15 out of the 16 are still works in progress.

I'm very grateful to everyone who offered to participate. They have reinforced for me that this is HARD.

Thinking about dying is tough.
Planning for it is grueling.
Writing about it? Almost impossible.

Good Intentions

An overwhelming majority of Canadians believe that they should do estate planning - make a will, get life insurance, appoint guardians for minor children, discuss their wishes with their doctor. Most don't, though.*

Why is that?

I think because it's hard enough to contemplate dying, never mind actually sitting down and putting in place A Plan for the horrible event. I have every intention of living a long and productive life, thank you very much.

Culture plays a factor, too. Chinese Canadians following Confucianism, Buddhism or Taoism believe it’s unwise to make predictions about one’s future health when not currently facing health issues. South Asian Canadians following Islam, Hinduism, or Sikhism typically view terminal illness as “God’s wish”. To discuss death is seen as drawing it nearer. First Nations believe truth-telling is dangerous to health – many prefer not to have major illnesses diagnosed.

Doing some end of life planning may not decrease feeling anxious about dying – in fact, it may increase it. However, planning may decrease your loved ones' anxiety - and give you some sense of control over the process.

What's your plan?


*80% believe they should start planning for end of life when healthy. 80% do not have an end of life plan. 70% have not prepared a living will. 44% have discussed end-of-life plans with their family. Source: Royal Society of Canada Expert Panel: End of Life Decision Making, November 2011 

We Can Do Better

Have you ever been at a funeral and wondered if the person giving the eulogy actually knew the person who died?

I have, and it makes me want to do better.

I've been to some Celebrations of Life where the tributes were fantastic. My favourite was done by two friends of the deceased, who ended with a list of 10 Things You Might Not Have Known about him. Good tributes make me laugh, usually make me weepy, and always help me remember.

I've spoken to clergy who have to essentially say nice things about a member of the flock they barely knew (for a variety of reasons; I'm not passing judgement here on either party). It's hard, so they rely on a couple of templates they can vary slightly to fit the circumstances.

Tributes given by friends or family tend to be more personal, but they aren't always well done. Figuring out everything you want to say about a loved one is hard! We make it harder by expecting that it should be done within tight timelines and when everyone involved is grieving.

No wonder we don't usually do it well.

And what about obituaries or funeral announcements, published in newspapers or online? We are so much more than a list of the places we've been and the people we leave behind.

We can do better. I know we can.